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Saturday, July 11, 2009

What to do while you're single? (click to post comments)

Some time ago a person asked me, "Which I'd liked best, being married or being single?" Stunned by the question and a bit caught off guard, I answered, "I'd much rather be married than single because I love being in a relationship."

Well, needless to say, 2 weeks later I'm still pondering the curious dialogue between myself and someone who's been married nearly 20 years. The person mentioned how married people make comments of how they contemplate being single and of how single people are dying to be married. Convinced society may be somewhat pyschitzophrenic in their desires, I wondered what do people really want and what should we be doing until we actually get it? The answer bubbled up, "CELEBRATE YOUR S.E.L.F!" (no matter what the situation).

I've realized in my infantile amount of knowledge and wisdom that, for myself, I've not always been sure of what I "truly wanted" because I was still discovering (or in search of) my true SELF. When a person doesn't know WHO they truly are, it's almost impossible for them to know what they TRULY want. Your SELF can only be defined by who you are in God/Jesus.

My "SELF" has been created from the values, morals, beliefs and code (the Word) which were placed within me before I was born. These things created my persona which I carry around with me each day. Over time and through situations, I admit I've probably compromised on some of these and have resulted in me developing a scued since of SELF. Once I brought my SELF back into alignment with the code, only then was I able to regain my sense of SELF and redefine the other things (morals, values, etc). After the realignment happened I was then able to determine my true DESIRES.

Self Principles:
1) Never lose a sense of SELF. Don't let someone rob or take hostage of my identity.
2) Never compromise my values, morals, beliefs, or code for another person.
3) Share my SELF with those around me (friends, family, co-workers, etc.). Give my "SELF" to others daily.
4) Always be in a relationship with my SELF (whether single or married).
5) Be happy with, forgive, and fortify my "SELF".

I also discovered something else while meditating on this idea of a single, married, or relational "State of SELF." It was the question of, "What should I be doing while I'm single?" Being transported to this new state of singleness for almost 2 years now has brought me in contact with quite a few other beautiful, talented, wonderful, awesome SINGLE SELFs which may benefit from my journey. Keys that I think would help us in our SINGLE STATE OF BEING are:

Seek spiritual well being.
Know who you are by defining your SELF in God. You are His creation and exist because of Him. (It is in Him that we live, we move, and have our being).
Experience abundant living now.
Don't wait until you have a mate to celebrate your SELF and your life. You are accountable for each day of your life. Live it to the fullest within the healthy boundaries God has created for our benefit and protection (not our bondage). You can be saved and have fun too. Wisdom is the key.
Live without limits.
Don't say to yourself you can't do this or that until you have that other person. If you want to buy a house now (while you're single) do it. Take a trip to the place you've always wanted to visit, do it-NOW! Grab some girlfriends or guy friends and go! Enjoy life and not wait for fate or that mate. If you want to start that business, do it!
Forgive your SELF and others.
Tell your SELF you're sorry for not getting to know who you really are (and what you really want). Tell your SELF you're sorry for being so hard on your SELF when you didn't reach your goals or allow yourself to try again. This applies to everything, whether it be love, a goal, a hope, or a dream. You can never go forward successfully holding on to past hurts, pains, and perceived failures. I always say, "I haven't failed unless I quit." I refuse to fail or lose, I'm a Christian and I always win! (All things work out for my good...)

In closing, once you take the journey you'll thank your SELF for embracing and getting to know your SELF because you'll be ready for that mate if he/she finds you. You'll also have an abundance to bring to the relationship. In contrast, if your destiny is to be single forever, don't worry! God will give you grace to do it and you'll still be in a loving, fulfilling relationship, even if it is only with YOUR "SELF." So be happy! You are the one ultimately responsible for the quality of your state of SELF.


  1. AWESOME!! I think I'm going to print this out and post it as a daily reminder to my SELF!! Loves it .. keep doing what you do girly!!

  2. You are on point, as usual Blogstress. Celebrating SELF is the best thing we can do for ourselves whether we are married or single. Most of us would love to have that special someone to complement our lives, but we enter a state of desparation when we depend on others for our joy, or put our happiness in someone else's hands. As I wait for my wedding day, I am constantly seeking self-improvement and self-love.

  3. Riva, very beautifully put sweetie. I've found that we have to love self first before we can love another. Far to often women define their inner character based on being in a relationship. In my journey, I've come in contact with women who label their out come of life based on if they'll be married by a certain age. Or determine how their holidays, birthdays, will be if they don't have a significant other. To me that's a true state of loneliness. You see, if you leave it up to someone other than yourself and God to determine the state of Love you have in your life, that's a road for disaster. I recently had a conversation with a relative of mine regarding the type of men she's encountered in her life. She's a true believer that "all" men are dogs, cheaters, etc. Simply because those are the type of men she's dealt with. So I asked her, has she dated "all" men. She says no, very frank. But my point to her was, if you've had 5 failed relationships and all men have the same traits. Then maybe it's not the men, it's you. She didn't like that response. I didn't say it to be nasty, but to assure her there's something in her that needs healing. Until she digs deep into her inner self, she's going to always attract these type of relationships. She does't know who she is, and has only been defined by the "cheating" men.

    I too, recently divorced, and found through being single again, have learned even more about myself. Did I love being married? Yes! Marriage is a beautiful thing when two people are working together as one. However, I've also learned as a single woman again, there's even more to life to be found while being single. I have no problem having dinner alone, the movies, shopping, sitting home watching a dvd. I enjoy the free time to just sit back and enjoy my own company. I've been told by some single women they were at their peek when they were alone. They were more creative, inspired, driving. It's a beautiful thing. When I was going through my divorce I was told by a married couple of 35 years, it's a part of marriage trials and tribulations. They said, just within the past 10-12 years they found happiness. It was only then I knew, it was the right choice I was making. You see, I can't phantom being married for 35 years and have only 10 years of happiness. Yes, marriage is a job within itself, but I love me more. I love my peace of mind more. I love the fact that when the time is right, God will again place my husband in front of me. The formality is, it will be the right man, at the right time, when "he" finds me. So until then, I'm enjoying life as a single woman again. I'm loving the experiences, even when times are at it's hardiest. Because it's through the hard times I love and cherish life the most. It's the beauty I've discovered inside myself, while discovering what God has for me.

    Until women untangle themselves from the self performed bondage,so many will continueto be unhappy. Remember, it's not the relationship that makes you happy. It's what each person brings into the relationsips that makes a couple happy. So if you've finally discovered your inner self. From that discovery comes love, peace, tranquility. Also from that discovery will beam a certain type of energy, that will lead that special someone into her life.

    Love ya,

  4. The reason I made the decision to become single was because I felt there comes a time in your life when you have to put yourself first.

    Now this is not something I realized overnite or ever thought I would come to point of; but when the time and energy you put into a relationship just doesnt seem to really manifest into something wonderful (I mean really blossom) something is seriously wrong & you come to the point you are settling or at least thats how I felt.

    Furthermore, I have so much more I want to do as far as; sleeping in late, staying out late, talking on the phone to an old friend, deciding to go out and eat instead of going grocery shopping - these are some of the freedoms you give up when in a relationship.

    I decided to have fun; do something wonderful, take a class just because I'm interested in the subject - just to enligthen myself (and not have to explain anything)

    By releasing I can refill with so a positive relationship when the time is right...

    Just a few thoughts...